I will dress up and act like a down-and-out Lo-Fi Rock & Roll Has-been Elvis Presley for your wedding, Funeral or Party. (Price is for weddings - ask for an alternative price for parties )

I join your band as the member no one can see. I demand royalties, creative control, and an on-stage mic that isn’t plugged in.

I write and record a custom lo-fi song for you, your dog, or your mother.

Hire me to attend your gig, comedy set, or art show and heckle with style, wit, and drunken-poet timing.

Hire me to give nonsensical, poetic speeches at your wedding, funeral, or office party.

I’ll show up at your event dressed as a detective, or a washed-up lounge singer, never breaking character.

I’ll wake you up in the morning with a saxophone, tambourine, or custom on-the-spot song.

I’ll ring your enemies on speakerphone and read them absurdist poetry until they hang up.

Hire me to juggle badly, fall over, and remind everyone that life is meaningless but funny.

Give me a name, and I’ll write them the weirdest love poem/letter on your behalf.

I sit in the corner of your dinner party playing live background music scored to the vibe of the room.

I show up wrapped in receipts, plastic bags, and Spotify playlists, haunting your living room.

I arrive in robes, speak in tongues, and predict things that definitely won’t happen.

I’ll pep talk your team by reminding them that failure is inevitable.

I stand on stage, and the audience has to make me laugh.

I’ll silently act out how to survive a flood, nuclear meltdown, or tax audit.

You call me when you’re stuck in traffic or cooking pasta, and I explain Kierkegaard or Zizek until you regret dialing.

Give me a job to investigate- I'll do the rest.

Missing a bassist, tambourine player, or mysterious guy in sunglasses? I can step in and pretend I’ve been in your band for years. No rehearsal required.

Put your genitals through a hole and myself and 4 other people will sing gospel to it in a cappella.